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Monday, September 23, 2013

I Feel Like I'm Failing...

Do you ever have days where you feel like you're failing as a parent?  If you answered "No", then please stop reading and scroll on down to the next blog in your feed.

Today is the first day of harvest.  That means long hours in the field for Brad.  They don't quit at 5:00.  They are sometimes in the field until 10 or 11:00, sometimes later.  When the weather is right, it's go time.  While I feel like I should be excited that this time of year is here, I'm struggling to feel like an adequate parent.  I thought, at the time, that last harvest was a tough one.  Besides the drought of 2012, we brought home a newborn on October 2nd.  Right smack dab in the middle of harvest.  All of a sudden I had to juggle a 6 year old, a 4 year old, and a newborn.

Tonight the girls had gymnastics until 7.  I took them to McDonald's because I was exhausted after wrestling Jo for 2 hours at the gym.  That girl does not sit still and she wants to be right on the floor with the rest of the girls!  I ended up sitting in the drive-thru for 15 minutes because they got my order mixed up with someone else's.  Jo screamed the whole 15 minute drive home.  She is in a very needy/whiny phase right now.  At least I'm really hoping it's just a phase.  She wants to be held non-stop.  If she sees me walk out of the room, she starts whining and will find me, pull herself up on my legs and demand to be held.

So, we got home at 7:35, eat our fabulous supper of Mickey D's.  Then it's time for B to do her homework.  While I'm trying to help her, Jo is whining at my leg.  Then it was bath and shower time for all three of them.  The moment when I was about ready to burst into tears was bedtime.  The girls had brushed their teeth and they both wanted to read a story.  They wanted two separate books. ( Jo has gone upstairs with us to put them to bed since she was a newborn.  It's our routine and it's what works.)  While I was reading Mel her story, Jo whined/cried.  While I was reading B her story, Jo whined/cried.  I felt like a failure because I couldn't cater to each of their needs.   Suddenly last harvest seemed like a walk in the park.  Newborns cry.  You feed them, change them, pop a paci in their mouth.  Now I have a crawling, almost toddling 11.5 month old who is into everything!  

I feel like I'm failing.  I feel like I can't spend enough time with all three of them. I feel like I can't keep up with all the homework/sign ups that B is bringing home.  I feel like I'm failing at keeping a clean house/yard.  I feel like I'm failing as a farm wife.  This is our life.  I'm supposed to be able to deal with the early mornings, late nights and all the chaos in between.  Why do I find this to be so hard?

Lord, grant me the stength I need to get through this hectic time in my life.




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6 comments:

  1. Oh girl, I read this and felt for you. I look at your girls and see three happy, healthy children who KNOW they are loved and cared for. Deep breaths and a little quiet time where you can grab it...that's all I can offer.

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  2. Oh Sara I have been right where you are now a farm woman of two and a farm husband/construction worker who I barely seen, one colic baby and tons of far animals to look after I thought I was a failure as a farmwife. I am here to tell you after 35 Years two grown wonderful happy daughters a happy marriage and still farming my husband and I are happy oh so happy and know our struggles were worth it. You are not a failure and it will all work out.I made it and I felt like I was falling most of the time. You are not alone and it will all work out I promise you that there are days like that but the best is yet to come. Hugs B

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  3. Hang in there Sarah! I know that's easy for us to say, and it does seem like the world is caving in, but your girls and you will survive all of this. Trust me, you're not a failure. Hugs!

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  4. My BFF had 6 children and was so overwhelmed at one point she locked herself in the closet...Her son was outside telling his siblings, repeatedly, mom's in the closet, mom's in the closet...
    I at one point with my 2 girls went into the bathroom and stuck head in toilet and said God you don't know what it is like out there! So this will pass. Something all mother's go through and then they are teenagers!!! Hang in there it is a wonderful ride.

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  5. I was going to text you this but decided it might as well be out there for the whole world to read!

    I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I wish I had some great piece of advice to bestow upon you that would make everything better.
    But the fact is I don't and quite frankly no one does-I spent years (actually there are still times) feeling like I was a walking talking live commercial for birth control - I imagined there were mothers with teenage daughters pointing at me saying "see what happens if your not careful - go to college, get an education and if you can't control your urges than use birth control!"
    I did learn that children are like livestock (see that reference-maybe I am a farmer) -when you are stressed and tense and scared of them - they feel that and become stressed - that's not to say that you aren't going to get stressed just something to keep in mind!
    I also learned a long time ago that when I become stressed it is ok to walk away for a few minutes-make it seem fun like a game for B to read the nighttime story to Mell and Jo while you pretend you have to go to the bathroom where you are secretly just sitting and drinking a cocktail- but seriously maybe once a week that can be 'their' thing! (I love how easy other peoples problems are to solve!)!!!
    oh oh also every now and then maybe a neighbor or you MIL will watch the kids for an hour while you ride with Brad-that actually does wonders!

    Lastly - about a year ago I saw a sign that said: "Don't compare your inside to someone else's outside" - Your the only one that sees in you what you are describing - the rest of us see so much more-you by no means are failing-your children have you, they feel safe and loved, so far you have done a fantastic job- chin up buttercup you still have the teenage years with 3 girls your just getting started!!!! <3

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  6. I think most of us have been where you are at. I'm a farmwife and mama to 4 hooligans (6,5,3,and 2)and somedays I hit the pillow and pray to God that I don't mess my kids up! I keep in mind that we are NOT enough. We never will be, but God is sooo much bigger. HE is enough. He will fill in the gaps that we can't or He'll bring someone into our lives that will help fill in the gaps. I come from a very large family and God put my mom's best friend in my life to be what my mom couldn't to me. And I don't resent that... I'm thankful for that. And I pray that my kids will have the same. And I pray God gives me what I need to give my children, my husband, and others. Through His strength and not my own...

    Lean on the Lord for your strength. Center yourself and your day around His promises. Cut out ALL stuff that can be cut out. The less busy you are (after you rid yourself of that addiction... we've all been there too!) the more peaceful and centered you'll feel. The more you'll have to give the ones that matter most to you.

    Sit down with your husband and prioritize your goals and ask him about the wants he has from you... and just keep those in mind and fade out the rest.

    Hang in there.

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